


I'm Not Okay(I Promise)

by welcometothefangirlparade



Category: Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Identity Reveal, Infinity War, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, The aftermath of Infinity War on Peter, also bellarke, and if you squint stydia, basically I took a lot of inspiration from tv shows I watch, i did do research on how to stop them and what triggers them though, michelle knows peter is spiderman, my friends call me mj, so all credit goes to that too, some zuko and Toph action too, sorry I don't get them so it's badly written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-12-10 07:42:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11687115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/welcometothefangirlparade/pseuds/welcometothefangirlparade
Summary: Sometimes Peter needs to know that he doesn't have to deal with everything alone.-Or the one where Infinity War changes Peter and Michelle and Ned try to help





	I'm Not Okay(I Promise)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm shit at summaries so please at least give it a try 
> 
> (NOTE: do not replicate in any way how I portray panic attacks and how to stop them. I did some reasearch but mainly grabbed inspiration from teen wolf)

Michelle was observant. Especially when it came to Peter Parker. She thought he was intriguing. She would be lying if she said she didn't have suspicions about him. She had seen enough to be sure that he was the Spider-Man that everyone was talking about. Every time Peter had flaked her and Ned, Spider-Man always showed up somewhere in New York City. It wasn't hard to put two and two together. And it made it even more obvious when he appeared in Washington D.C., and Peter was nowhere to be found. It confused her, how he could be such a bad liar and still no one suspected a thing. She had her suspicions for a while now, at least a month or so, but the Washington Monument incident had really confirmed everything she had suspected.

So, she sat quietly in the back of the room, observing him at a distance. Everyday he would come up with dumber and dumber excuses to leave class, probably to go fight crime in his blue and red spandex, and it was a miracle to Michelle how he never got caught. He would leave the school, but he always came back before the end of the day. And the day he didn't, Michelle noticed.

It first began on the bus ride. She had been sitting in the three seater across from Peter, her nose deep inside a book. She had only intended to look up for a short second, but Peter's frantic expression as he turned to stare out the window made her close the book entirely. Something had been wrong. It had only been for a split second before her turned back to the seat in front of him, but the worried expression never left his face.

It had only been a half hour into the start of first period, when Michelle noticed him take out his phone, before asking to leave the room in haste. He had taken his backpack with him, and she watched out the door as he sprinted down the hallway towards the exit.

She's gotten fairly used to it. He was always back by lunch, and that's when she did all her talking. Michelle wasn't the subtle type. She said what she wanted, and let people know what she thought, regardless of how they felt, but she enjoyed playing with Peter and Ned at lunch. It was the only time she felt comfortable enough to engage in normal conversation with people her own age. The rest of them sucked completely.

She would drop hints about Peter's alter ego, and would laugh silently as their faces would turn to complete horror. Which is mainly why she noticed Peter's absence at lunch that day. She had a good retort ready to fire as soon as the two nerds sat down, but Ned was alone. Usually he looked miserable when Peter wasn't there to talk to, but today he only looked worried, scared even.

"Hey loser," she remarked, glancing up at Ned nonchalantly. "Where's Peter?"

"He-uh, he had something-somewhere to go," Ned stuttered nervously.

"Right," Michelle responded. "Off playing hero again?"

"What?!"

"Play hero, you know. Helping to needy, visiting children's hospitals, donating money, that stuff."

"Yeah, yeah that's it. He's-"

Michelle sigh. This was going poorly. "I wasn't going to tell you this, but watching you attempt to make excuses is unbelievably pathetic." She slid into the seat across from Ned, and leaned forward. "I know Peter is Spider-Man."

"What?! No, what are you talking about? He's not...have you seen him...he's-he can't be Spider-Man."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not stupid, Leeds. You're both terrible liars. It wasn't hard to figure out, I'm just surprised no one else has."

"You didn't tell anyone did you?"

She just sigh. "Who would I tell besides you and flake head."

Ned breathed out in relief. "Good. You gotta keep this a secret."

"Secrets are my specialty." Michelle smirked, before standing up to sit back in her usual spot, leaving Ned just as baffled as as she had the other day.

* * *

Peter wasn't back by last period. Michelle would never admit it to anyone, but she did like Peter. He was the only one besides Ned who tolerated her. And knowing he was a vigilante fighting crime just made her worry. Not that she would admit that either.

She left a voicemail on his phone. It was short and quick, but she needed to know if he was okay. Skipping out on school entirely was not his thing. She regretted it immediately. The only thing the voicemail did was make her more worried and anxious. Michelle would find herself checking her phone every five minutes, waiting for an answer from Peter. Did she really care that much about him? She shook her head in denial. Sure, he was a friend, but she didn't care enough, she shouldn't care enough to worry about him so much.

"I don't like Peter," she muttered, staring at her call history. "I don't like him, he's just a friend and friends worry about other friends when they don't answer."

She must have fallen asleep, because her phone vibrating next to her head jolted her awake.

There was no caller ID, but she answered anyway. Usually they were just scammers, and Michelle enjoyed scamming the scammers.

"Hello?"

"MJ?" She knew who the voice belonged to.

"Peter?"

"Look I don't have much time, we're kind of in a hurry." He sounded breathless and she could hear the tired lacing his words. Something was wrong. "I—there's something going on I can't tell you but just, can you please call my Aunt May, and let her know that I love her. She's not picking up and neither is Ned, and I just really need her to know that."

She felt her stomach drop. Something was most definitely wrong. She listened intently on the noise in the background. Something exploded, that she heard. Guns firing, and people yelling.

"Michelle?"

"Um, yeah Peter, I'll tell her," she paused. "Are you okay?"

"I-"

He was cut off by static. "Peter?" Nothing but silence remained. "Shit Parker. What did you get yourself into?"

She thought his call back would ease her anxiety, but it only made it worse. Nothing about the scenario sounded okay. The only thing that kept her from completely flipping shit was the fact that he had said "we're", meaning he wasn't alone. It still did not the ease her conscious. She wasn't sure what time he had called, but since then it made it impossible for her to sleep. Michelle, turned over to look back at her phone, the screen lighting the ceiling above her, as it blew up with messages. Ned.

_'MJ this person with an unknown caller ID keeps calling me'_

_'Are you getting weird calls'_

_'Michelle please answer me'_

_'Come one it's freaking me out'_

_'Please answer'_

She groaned.

_'Ned pick up the damn phone it's peter'_

_'Where're is he? is he okay'_

_'If you picked up the phone you'd know'_

It was minutes later when Ned decided to call her.

"He's in trouble," he stated right away.

"No shit, Sherlock," Michelle responded, trying to cover the shaking in her voice.

"What do you think it is?"

"I don't know."

"How bad is it?"

"What makes you think I can answer that"

"Do you think he's gonna be okay?"

She lost it. "NED! Did you even hear what was on the other end of the line? Fucking gun shots and explosions! Okay? He's not fucking okay! He's putting himself in unnecessary danger and he's going to get himself hurt! What am I supposed to tell his aunt if that happens?"

There was a brief silence on Ned's end before he spoke up again. "You care about him."

"I care about all of us," she said stiffly, in attempt to cover up her outburst.

"But you worry about him more."

"Of course I do! He's fucking spider-man! He's my friend and he's chasing down the mafia, what do you expect?"

"That's not what I mean, Michelle, you know that."

"What do you want me to say? That I like him? That I care? That I love him? Because I don't, okay? I don't" she repeated, more for herself than anyone else.

"Whatever you say MJ," Ned yawned, knowing this was a losing battle. "Just, I worry about him you know? We've been friends for so long, and Peter, he's a good guy. Maybe too good, I guess. He'll run in a try saving whoever he can and stop the bad guys, even if it means sacrificing himself. I'm his best friend, and I can't stand seeing him get hurt, you know? It scares me."

"Yeah, it scares me too" she muttered, only loud enough for herself to hear. "Look, I gotta go. I have to figure out a way to tell his Aunt that he's off doing something stupid without sounding completely heartless."

She hung up before Ned could say anything else. She needed time to think.  
  
Michelle had hoped that he would be in school the next day, even if the chances were slim, but he wasn't. His absence went unnoticed by almost everyone. Almost everyone besides her and Ned. Without him there, it just felt, different. She intended to pay attention in class, since his weird ass wasn't there to observe, but she couldn't. She couldn't focus. It was like that the whole day. Everything was just one big blur without him there, and it confused her. Peter wasn't anything special, was he? Just a kid from Queens. A kid who could stop a whole bus with his bare hands. He was special, no matter how much she tried to deny it.

She missed him. His dorkiness, his dumb excuses, his puppy eyes, his stupid smile.

'I don't like Peter,' she reminded herself. 'He's just a friend. I don't like him.'

Later, she would come to find that she'd been lying to herself. And the later came at the most unexpected time.

* * *

Peter had been MIA for a month. People were starting to notice, teachers started calling his house. They had figured out Ned and her were lying about his 'sickness' after the second week.

Flash began spreading rumors that Peter had dropped out of school because he "couldn't handle the work".

Michelle called it bullshit, but no one listened. She was just no one. People ignored her and she lived with it.

More rumors were spread around the school, as time passed. But as quick as it had come, people forgot about him. They didn't care. He was just a loser to them, a nothing, and once the laughing stock of the school thanks to Flash. Just like Michelle.

By the month and a half mark, he returned. She hadn't seen him on the bus, but she watched him walk into first period, looking completely exhausted.

"Mr. Parker," their chemistry teacher had stopped him before he could escape to his seat. "Mr. Morita would like to see you in his office."

Peter groaned, but nonetheless trudged towards the principal's office. Michelle could help but notice the slight limp he walked with. 

* * *

 

He wasn't the same. Something over that month and half he was gone had definitely changed the Peter Parker she once knew. He used to be more social, happy, less closed off, and more of an open book. Now he was different. He isolated himself from everyone, even Ned. He barely said a word to either of them, and had taken her spot as the silent observer in class. Only he didn't observe, he stared at his hand the entire time.

Ned promised it was just a phase, and that'd he'd be back to his old self if they gave him some space, but Michelle knew he was only hoping. Holding onto hope, trying to forget the fact that they were both slowly losing their friend. They both knew that space wouldn't give Peter what he needed. In fact, space was the last thing he needed. He needed someone to be there for him.

Something happened during the time he was away, something horrible. She could tell. Physically he was there, in school, but mentally, he was on a completely different planet.

Michelle hated seeing him so closed off to the world. It was unnatural, but she couldn't figure out the words to say to him. Instead, she gave into his silence, and regretfully said nothing.

Three days after his return, Michelle watched the news broadcast the deaths of Captain America and Iron Man. Tony Stark. And suddenly everything made sense. 

* * *

Michelle slid into the empty seat next to Peter's the next day.

"Hey loser," she said, hoping to start a conversation with him.

All she got in return was a small 'hey', before silence corrupted the room again.

"Look," she started again. "I get if you want to be alone, I really do, but you know Ned and I are both here for you if you wanna talk."

He just stared at the floor.

"Yeah," Ned joined in, sitting in the seat in front of Peter. "We're your friends, Pete. You don't have to go through this alone."

Silence.

"Fine, don't talk. We aren't going to force you, but just know we are here. We can help."

"You can't," he whispered. "You didn't see it. You didn't see what I saw out there."

Michelle on gave him a sad smile. He was damaged. She had worried that he would physically get hurt. She was scared he would die, and never come back. Both her and Ned were. But nothing could have prepared her for this. Physical wounds healed, but emotional scars? They stayed forever.

As people began filing into the room, Michelle turned back to her book that sat unopened at the corner of her book. She listened. The whole room was buzzing over the news she'd seen last night. The death of two heroes.

"I know you're all saddened by the loss of two great heroes," their teacher began, "but we still have work to do today. Please-"

At that abrupt moment, Peter decided to stand up. Michelle glanced up at him, reaching to grab his shirt so he'd sit down, but before she could he left. He ran out, completely unexpectedly.

Michelle shared a glance with Ned, and he nodded his head. She stood up and followed Peter out the door. She faintly heard the teacher yelling at both of them to get back, but none of that mattered.

She found him sitting against a locker, breathing heavily.

"Peter?"

"Please, just go away," he mumbled, "just go."

She shook her head in disbelief. "No, I'm not leaving. Peter you're my friend, you can't just shit me out."

"I'm fine, I'm okay, I just need to be alone."

"You're not fine!" She protested. "Peter look at yourself! You can't do this by yourself. You don't need to. I'm here. Ned is. We can help."

"He's dead," Peter ignored her. "He's dead, he's gone and it's my fault."

"It's not-"

"Tony Stark is dead. He died saving me, and that's my fault."

"That was his choice, Peter, not yours."

"No! Stop saying that! He would still be alive right now if it weren't for me! I just got in the way of everything he did. I did that. That's on me.

Everything he did was because of me. I should have listen, I should have, just stayed where I was. I fucked everything up. They had a plan and I ruined it."

"Stop blaming yourself Peter," Michelle interrupted. "None of this is your fault."

"Thanos, he was going to kill me. He was going to kill me. He had this gauntlet with stones on it. He shot something at me, and tony jumped in the way. If I had just stayed put none of that would that would happened...there was so much blood everywhere. I tried to save him, I did, but it was too late...I couldn't see someone I loved die again, I couldn't. My uncle Ben, he died because of me. I could have stopped the shooter, but I didn't. And I could have saved tony, but I didn't. I failed, I failed, I could have done something..." he voice faded into inaudible mumbles Michelle couldn't hear, over the sound of his loud breathing.

"Peter-" she was cut off. He had stopped talking, but something told her something was wrong.

"I can't breathe," he managed to get out, leaning forward on his hands. "I can't-"

He was having a panic attack. Michelle knew. She used to get them when she was little.

"Just, stop worrying. Focus on my voice. I'm here, I'm with you. You're going to be okay. You aren't alone."

"I can't..."

"Come on, just focus, alright? You're Spider-man, you can do this. You're going to get through this, you always do."

He just shook his head quickly, unable to calm his breathing.

She remembered something her mom told her about panic attacks. If focusing in on one thing didn't work, something else could.

Before she could even think, she brought her lips to his. He took a sharp breath in, holding it until she broke away.

He swallowed, his breathing and pulse returning to its normal pace. "How did you do that?"

Michelle but her lip. "I, uh, I used to get panic attacks when I was little, and my mom told me that holding your breath could stop one, and when I kissed you, you held your breath."

"I did?"

"Yeah, you did."

"Thank you," he breathed, leaning his back against the lockers. "You knew?"

She gave a half smile, knowing what he was referring to. "I've known for a while, Spider-Man. You aren't very good at keeping secrets."

"Right."

"What happened to you?"

"The War happened," he responded vaguely.

"Who's Thanos?"

"I'd rather not talk about it."

"Okay."

"The panic attacks started after my uncle died," he whispered. "If you were wondering. My aunt would talk me through them."

"I'm sorry," Michelle said, staring at him. He met her eyes. "Everything was different without you, I didn't like it. Ned and I worried about you everyday, you know."

"I can imagine."

"He would come over everyday after school and we'd just sit and talk. You guys made a lot of memories together. It was kind of annoying."

"Oh, sorry," Peter said, looking down.

"But it was also very sweet. You should talk to him, I think he missed you more than I did."

"You missed me?"

"No, I-i mean-kind of? I guess? Everything was so different without you and I-"

"Just a simple yes or no, MJ," he laughed half heartedly.

She sigh. "Yes, I missed you Parker. A lot. Happy now?"

He smiled. "Good," he said. Before she could respond, his lips crashed into hers. She didn't hate it, in fact, she really liked it. As they broke apart, she couldn't stop the smile that pulled at the edges of her mouth.

"Because I missed you too."

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews are always nice, I appreciate them all and I try to respond to them all as well. 
> 
> I know MJ might be a little OOC, I apologize, but I hope you still enjoyed the story! 
> 
> There are some scenes that I grabbed from Avatar the Last Airbender teen wolf and the 100, so credits to the writers of those shows for those scenes. They were written off the top of my head so I'm not sure if they're word for word but I don't want people to say I plagiarized so just know I'm giving credit. 
> 
> The scenes that I had were the panic attack scene, the scene where mj says it was annoying how much Ned talked about peter, and when Ned and Michelle were talking saying she worried for him. 
> 
> Also, my tumblr is also 'welcometothefangirlparade' so you dan ask me stuff there my inbox is always open


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